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Broken? – Stanza VI – Part II

October 19, 2012 by  
Filed under Becky Ward, Broken

Broken, to the World means useless.
 “We must be strong, and never weak!”
But in contrast to this vision,
brokenness is what You seek.

The original idea that came to me with this stanza was the image of what is strong and powerful in the world, especially that which is depicted in the media as being such, as opposed to the image of Our Lady at the foot of the cross.  Imagine the mass media headlines if the Lord’s Passion were to happen today!

More importantly, I can find my own brokenness, or woundedness, somewhere between the two extremes. That’s one of my goals in writing these articles. The poem reflects the journey of the soul, and I hope that, with the help of the Holy Spirit, all of you who read this can find ways in which it applies to you and your own journey.

When you stop to consider how many souls are in the world, and how many different experiences we have had through our lives, good, bad, and in between, the number of variables which ‘form’ us through our experiences, over the course of a lifetime is staggering! That God knows all of us, and all of those different experiences and how they have shaped us is phenomenally beautiful!

 I remember when I first heard about suicide bombers. I was completely unable to grasp that this was real, that people actually did this. My family background, the culture I lived in, and my faith all told me that this was wrong. Having been raised in a small rural community, I thought everyone was taught the same things, so this was a real eye-opener for me. Eventually I had a conversation with someone who explained that, if I had been raised according to values that said if I died in combat I would go straight to heaven, and if that was the example I saw my family living by right or wrong, that’s probably what I would believe.

Each of us is formed by our own experiences, and we develop ‘filters’, or ways of looking at things, accordingly. These carry over to our spiritual life and it’s important to be aware of that. Having read Sts. John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila early in my conversion, and taking to heart what they say about not desiring favors and consolations, I remember the inner struggle when God made His presence known to me in prayer. It was a huge relief when, at my first DJM retreat, they explained that when God approaches us in prayer, with those first little hugs and kisses, we should stop what we are doing and be attentive to the Lord.

In my situation, I had been praying the rosary when I experienced these first consolations, and I can’t help but smile, even now, as I realize that I was in effect, saying, “Wait a minute, God, I need to finish my prayers.” (Sheepish smile) As my relationship with the Lord has grown, I have had to let go of many of my ideas of what God would or wouldn’t do. I love those homilies when priests talk about how God likes to surprise us, and especially when they encourage us to allow Him to do so!!

The more I allow Him to do this, and the more I focus on pleasing Jesus instead of people, the more I see how many barriers and walls I have erected to protect myself from being hurt. This really IS a battle we are engaged in, and none of us get through it without taking a few of the enemies’ arrows. Life hurts!! God heals!!   

I wrote most of this post just before, and during Holy Week, and through this whole season of Lent I have been working to come to terms with my own brokenness. Struggling to let go of my definitions, and my understanding of what I should be, so as to be open to the grace and inspiration of the Holy Spirit guiding me as He desires. One of His tactics was to lead me to a video of Fr. Sam Medley, SOLT, talking about the healing of relationships. This in particular, caught my attention:

The greatest thing therefore that unites us to God are our wounds, not our gifts or virtues. The good that is in us is not the cause of our union with God but the fruit of it. The good that is in God cannot resist the parts of us that need him the most like water falls to the lowest point. This happens because of God’s mercy, not because of us, however our desire, our groaning, our inmost yearning for God is our cooperation in redemption.(Emphasis mine, used with permission. Read the article or watch video.)

After I watched this video I had to ask myself, “What is the most wounded part of me, where do I need God most?”

My answer to that question shows just how much I have been affected by the “supermom” syndrome. I am the most wounded, in the dead center of my heart because, try as I might, I cannot do it all, and I do not ‘have it all together’! As the truth of this sinks in, I realize just how great a cause I have to rejoice, and like St. Paul, to boast of my weakness (although I’m not there yet.), because now, God can work through me, and I see Him doing so. The poem and blog posts are proof of this. If it were up to me they would never have made it out of my journal. He is so good!  I am humbled to tears.

Love & Prayers,

Becky

This post is part of a series. The introduction and other articles from the series can be found here once they have been published.  

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About Becky Ward

Becky is a wife, mother of four (One in heaven), grandmother of five, and a "re-formed Catholic" who, after receiving the gift of a deep conversion in 2006, and working through the Disciples of Jesus and Mary faith formation program, now considers herself to be "fully Catholic" What this means is that she now, at last, understands and appreciates the beauty of the Catholic faith in such a way that she wants to share it with everyone. "I've heard that the Blessed Mother told a visionary, 'If Catholics really lived their faith, the whole world would be Catholic.' I see the truth in this, and it is my deepest hope to be a living example that draws others to Jesus. Given the nickname Rebel-Becca by her mother, Becky strongly identifies with St. John the Baptist and his call to "make straight the path of the Lord", and with his role as "Friend of the Bridegroom". The poem, "Broken?" written through her hand, is a reflection of the journey of the soul, and Becky explains what the Holy Spirit is teaching her as she writes posts for each stanza.

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